Falling Apart & Coming Together
by cronaisawriter
Summary: Shawn Hunter's life never went the way he wanted. The demons of his childhood eat at his present, the birth of the newest Matthew sets him into a long spiral. Addictions and depression seep into his life. He still wishes to put it all together, maybe the help of a new family can heal
1. Chapter 1

_CW: Self-harm, internalized homophobia, past child abuse, depression_

Shawn was sitting in his bedroom staring at a box of throwaway razors. Shawn had been living in New York for a little over a year. He had moved to be with Cory and Topanga but they were both in college. They kept trying to convince him to go to back college but he promised them he would he just needed some time. Shawn bounced around new york doing odd things. Often hanging with cory and Topanga but there was a problem he had been squashing but couldn't seem to shake. The problem was Shawn had realized something the day of the wedding. Cory loves Topanga more than he loved Shawn. It also reminded him that he wasn't ever going to have that weddings and a future. And that killed Shawn inside. He was so much like his dad. He was always running and nobody ever wanted him once they had something better.

Looking at the razors he was brought back to the day a few days after he was living with Mr Turner. He had taken apart a razor and sliced up his thighs. He realised after a few months that he was acting like a stupid teenage girl and needed to stop. And he had only messed up a few times since then. But staring at the box the feeling to see blood was the on steroids. He lunged forward and broke apart the razor he had laid on the crumpled bedsheets in this shit apartment and carved into his stomach. He knew that he wouldn't be able to hide his wrists if he worked, so he decided on place only someone in a hospital or having sex with him would see. After a few minutes, he calmed down. He sat there a while, blood hot on his skin. He got up in a few and cleaned his stomach and sat with his hand pressed against a towel pressed against the cuts until the bleeding stopped. He realised if he was going to start doing this shit again he would have to buy some gauze and bandages or medical tape in case he went a little too deep and had to hide it at work.

He had been bouncing around jobs trying to find work writing or taking photos but he knew he probably wasn't trying hard enough. He flopped on the bed again. This was so pathetic. But he was pathetic. He had been so pathetic as a kid to be terrified of his father even though he had never beat him. It had been his yelling and waving his hands about. Banging the table. Throwing things. Chet had always made him feel stupid and crazy. He would have this way with words that somehow left you feeling like more dumb then he was. Which was impossible his father was an idiot. However, this thought was also sour in his mouth. He loved his father, even when he was drunk yelling at the tv. When he touched Shawn in ways he hated. When thoughts of him came up his brain always turned to mush. He was just as pathetic for being hurt by the way his mother was short and frustrating making him sad even though he tried to never show it, even if she wasn't really his mother. His real mother never cared to know him. All of this rushing around Shawn's head made his entire body shake. He stood up and paced about his one-room apartment. He kicked the wall and then collapsed in a heap. He was a fuck up. He had grown up being a dumb ass getting himself into stupid situations always dragging cory down with him. He hadn't been able to hang on to anything except cory and now he was losing him too.

The next day he got up and walked out of his house. He was currently waiting tables. It was a dumb job but he often worked triple shifts to pay for rent. His apartment building was shabby as hell and the elevator didn't work and there was no heat or cold. It was just as bad as the fucking stupid trailer park. He worked thru the day. He didn't or care to know his coworkers he knew in a few weeks he would miss too many days because he was too tired and lazy to get out of bed.

Walking around the restaurant thinking about when Cory and Topanga had shown up at his door a few days prior. They had burst through the door to find Shawn watching a rerun of some show.

"We're having a baby Shawnie!" Cory practically screamed.

"That's great!" Shawn said he jumped up. He was so happy for a split second. Then his heart had dropped. He was really obsolete now.

"Shaw it's going to be lovely. We have a room for the baby and it will be so cute!"

"I'm studying to be a teacher so I can teach them and their friends!" Cory said looking over the moon.

"That will be awesome cor," Shawn said pushing up all the positive energy he could muster.

"You can be uncle Shawn," Topanga said putting her arm around him. Looking him in the eyes. He knew she knew something was wrong.

"Thanks, Topanga," Shawn said sheepishly he was trying to hide how lost he felt but it was impossible.

"Let's go celebrate!" Cory had said.

The three of them got dinner. Topanga and Cory had talked about school, and how they should fix the house and all this life stuff.

Shawn came back to reality and finished working. He hiked back to his apartment. He sat down and slept restlessly.

It was the day of Riley's birth. He went in and did the whole hold the baby thing it was exhausting. He went outside and he freaked out his chest heaved his eyes went blurry his stomach tied in a knot. His eyes burned and he vaguely felt the cold wall on his back and his hands clutching each other. He came out of it exhausted and clammy. He wandered home and passed out on the bed.

Shawn fell asleep and he dreamt of he and cory sitting in the Mathews family kitchen, they talked about something unimportant. But then cory leaned across the table and kissed Shawn's lips. Softly and they sat there kissing. Then they went into Cory's room and they laid on the bed his head on Cory's shoulder there hands intertwined. Cory kissed his hair. He was excited but also safe. He was full of happy energy it was loving instead of terrified and jittery. There were no loud noises, no fighting and no Topanga.

He woke and his hands weren't sweaty, his heart wasn't pushing out of his chest. This was odd because he had been having nightmares most nights lately.

He knew it's because the dream was of him and cory. He'd been having these dreams since they were like 16. It varied in content but it always ended the same way. Cory and him holding hands feeling safe and excited and loved. Feeling good things was rare for Shawn. Especially now.

Shawn knew The whole family would be coming up tomorrow. To see the new Matthews. Everyone would be there. Oh god. He felt a rush of fear run through his body, a deep nothing then ran through his soul. The colour drained from the room. His stomach seemed to drop through the floor. He couldn't feel his hands and his body felt a million miles away.

After a while, he seemed to slide partially back into his body. He got up and walked into the cold bathroom. He opened the drawer and retrieved a plastic bag. He pulled out his razor blades. He sat on the floor and cut into his legs. The pain brought him some release as he sat on the cold bathroom floor for a long time. Feeling something but not everything. He got up later and cleaned himself up properly.

He sat on the bed. He very clearly couldn't stay here anymore. It would never be "cory and Shawn" anymore. He would come for holidays. He 'd pretend for cory's sake. But he knew they both knew those days were over. But he also couldn't be there because he loved cory in more than a friend way. He didn't know when it really became as bad as it was now. It was all too much. And obviously, cory deserved Topanga. And he was nothing. Mr Feeny tried, the Matthews tried. Tried to make him make something of himself. But here he was sitting on his bed with razor slits on him. Alone like he should be. Shawn looked out the window and sighed, he needed to leave. He needed to let Cory and Topanga have a life. Shawn got dressed. On the bus out of town, he called cory. "cor I'm leaving. Gonna find somewhere to write. You and Topanga can expect me for Christmas though"

"Shawn you don't have t."

"no, I do need to do this. It's going to be an awesome opportunity!"

"you really can stay be uncle Shawn to our little girl"

" no I want to be there I do."

"don't leave me, Shawn."

"I have to leave man! I always wanted to travel. You will be fine."

"But I love you, Shawn."

" I love you too. But you have Topanga and Riley you have a family. You don't need me right now."

"Of course I need you."

"Cor I'm going to have an adventure I'll see when I get back okay?"

"Okay, shawnie call me soon."

Shawn hung up. The lady on the other side sighed.

"so who is it really you or her? Cause your voice sounds heartbroken boy"

"it's really me. He did nothing wrong just had a real family to attend to"

"Oh I see" she smiled smugly and looked away. At the next stop, a woman sat next to the lady. He heard her say to the other lady in a bad whisper.

"that gay boy over there is leaving his man so he isn't a homewrecker" the lady look suspiciously at Shawn.

Shawn sighed and prayed for someone to sit next to him. They were wrong about him. He wasn't a homewrecker and he wasn't gay. Had he loved Angela right? However, it was true that when he pictured happily ever after it was always him and Cory. Fuck shit, shit Shawn thought. Maybe he was freaking gay. He had sex dreams of course and they were usually with boys. He pushed these thoughts from his head. And he stared out the window and watched the buildings go by. He was riding to Boston. He had heard of a few travel magazines that were stationed up there for god knows what reason. He was going to try and find a job there. He was going to try and live without cory, he had done it before. But that was before he knew he had lost him forever. This was a new kind of lonely.


	2. Chapter 2

_CW: Alcohol Abuse, Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Past Abuse_

Shawn was laying in a hotel in California. He had been working for "Hit the Road" for two months now. He had drifted around Boston for six months working odd jobs before he found this one. He had sent in a portfolio to just about every magazine and newspaper, but they always said the same thing; no degree no job. But two months ago he had a call back that told him had been hired to be a travel writer. It was perfect because now he was being paid to run away from his problems.

He was angry at himself because he had never stopped cutting. He hated himself every time the blade touched his skin.

Shawn sat up and he jumped when he saw Chet standing there. The man looked angry,

"Now you kid why are you acting like that? It makes no sense jumping at shadows pull yourself together" Shawn sat and started to shake his head this had happened before, why, why was it happening again. He looked at the floor for a while then looked up and Chet was gone. He paced around his room, memories of Chet flowed into his mind. Pictures attacked his eyes. Chet's angry voice ran through his brain. He fell onto the floor, Whenever he thought about home too much not only did his head fill with Chet and all that bad emotion he felt his whole body clam up his muscles tightened. remember his nose filled with the stench of alcohol.

He knew if he drank he wouldn't be feeling this. It had always worked for his father he always seemed to not remember whatever was bothering him.

He was shaking as he walked to a liquor store. He knew this was a bad idea. Shawn and Cory had gotten drunk once which sent Shawn into a week-long bender. He had lashed out at Angela and then Jack reminded Shawn about their dad's behaviour and he stopped. But he had drunk a few times throughout college. But now he decided to get properly sloshed. He was taking the bus tomorrow and not shooting so he didn't need to be totally coherent that day. He bought two bottles of whisky. The guy gave him a sad look. Buying non-party liquor alone in the middle of the night probably didn't look good. He carried the bottles back to the apartment and drank until he was out of it. He leaned back on the bed and fell asleep. He woke up with a banging headache. His body felt like lead and everything was too bright. He sighed and got his stuff which was always packed. He left the building and walked to the bus station he bought a ticket back to Boston. He had a meeting with the editor the next day. He got there and fell into the mattress at an apartment. It was completely furnished and wasn't dirty and awful smelling like most places he stayed. He pulled the remaining liquor out and drowned his sorrows for the second night in a row.

Shawn realised he was now not only covered in scars on the outside but he figured he was about to scar up his insides.

It was two days before Christmas. He got into his car. He anxious because he hadn't had a drink recently. He had been working hard and he knew he wasn't quite at the functioning alcoholic stage yet. Riley was one year old. He had only seen pictures cory had emailed him. Cory or Topanga called about once a month. They asked how he was doing and shared that cory was almost done with his teaching license, that Topanga had finished her correspondence course at Penbroke and was starting law school and NYU. Shawn was so proud of them. Shawn was able to fake having his life together. He had a job so he had done the main thing adults did. But he was still a mess. He was a drunk and had still self-harmed at the age of 22 which was so embarrassing. He pulled up to a hotel in new york. He pulled his bag into the room and flopped on the bed. He had slept in so many hotels. He called his car and the bus his home more than anyplace in the world. He didn't always use the car because he couldn't be drunk in his car and the company would rather pay for a bus ticket than gas miles. He fell asleep and dreamt.

Cory and Shawn were sitting in the living room of cory's apartment. They were watching two little girls walk shakily around a room. Cory's arm was around him and the radio was playing Christmas carols. He could smell cookies. Shawn leaned over and kissed cory's lips.

"I love you, Cory. You're the one for me you always have been." Shawn said into Cory's ear.

"You know Shawn I love you too. You're my soul mate." Cory responded.

They kissed again and the kid ran up to Shawn's leg and started babbling about Christmas smells.

Shawn woke up. He looked around him and saw the dingy walls. He sighed. He wanted that so bad. But it would never happen.

Shawn got dressed the next day. He went down to a bar and ordered vodka straight up. He drank a few of the small glass cups. He then walked to the subway. He felt a little dizzy and out of it. He had just drunk alcohol on an empty stomach. He ended up at Cory's apartment building thankfully.

"Shit breath," Shawn muttered to himself. He then sucked on mints for a few minutes. Then he chewed some gum. He rang the buzzer. He was buzzed in and he sucked in a deep breath and made his way up. He hated himself for being nervous to see cory. Even after he realised he thought Cory was hot, he had never felt awkward until they were in college. He realised dreams of kissing someone was not a sign of someone being your best friend. He realised that he wanted cory more than he wanted Angela, and that had scared him. But it was all fine, up until the wedding.

The door opened and Cory stood there the big smile on his face.

"Shawn!" He said excitedly

"Cory!" He said. He realised that he actually felt happy, really happy and he smiled for real.

He came in little Riley sitting on the couch next to her uncle Joshua. He was four years old and looked happy as he flipped the channels of the tv. Allan Matthews sat next to both of them to prevent tipping onto the floor.

Mrs Mathews hovered over Topanga in the kitchen. Cory and Shawn sat in the window. The house smelled of food that was overwhelming but good. The tree was decorated all perfectly. Presents sat under the tree. It was all so domestic. He wasn't a domestic person. He was a Thanksgiving in a motel room eating pizza kind of guy.

"Shawn how have you been," Cory asked.

"Okay, seen a lot of cool places," Shaw said in what hoped was a convincing way.

"That's great! How are you dealing with being alone?" Cory asked earnestly

"Okay, I've been alone before and it worked out," Shawn explained.

"Your right. I was worried for nothing. I'm just so glad to see you. I do miss you." Cory said

During a break from cooking Topanga grabbed his hand.

"Hello, Mr cory!" She said brightly.

"Hello, Mrs cory!" He said still feeling okay.

"Wait," Topanga said and stalked forward and sniffed his shirt.

"Have you been drinking." She asked sternly.

"Just today. Jeesh I was really nervous about seeing cory." He said fixing his fake leather jacket.

"I'm not sure I believe you. But you know better than to drink." She said pointing at him with her finger.

Shawn sat on a seat and watched the family that was his but also not his.

Topanga called and they all went to eat dinner. Everyone ate so much food. Shawn wasn't really hungry honestly he was nauseous he didn't want to eat anything. Being around people who actually expected him to speak was odd. He knew these people, but he also realised they knew nothing about him. They didn't know he sporadically saw his dead father. They didn't know he was day drinking regularly. They didn't know about the forest of marks on his body. But he still cared about all of them. Eric the ditz, the tiny baby they had all been scared they would never know, cory the love of his life, Topanga, Mr and Mrs Matthews. on the list of people who kept him stable. There was only person missing and the was Feeny but he had his own wife to worry about. Oh, he had forgotten Riley He looked in her vague direction sitting next to her grandmother. She was eating baby food laughing. Topanga kept looking at him oddly.

Topanga watched him the whole time. Not offering him champagne. Shawn wanted to laugh, like not giving him champagne was going to stop him from doing something stupid after Christmas.

He was about to go to the hotel when Cory grabbed his arm.

"Why don't you take the couch. The rest of them are going to hotels but no need for you too." Cory said as Topanga brought out a blanket and pillow. Shawn nodded. Of course, this meant he couldn't do something stupid tonight. But hey everyone has to have a break sometimes. He laid there and the feeling of his father yelling crept into his mind. He thought of the stupid things he had done five years ago. He thought of how he had felt when cory had broken up with Topanga. How he had tried to get them together and he had made things worse. He turned over on the couch. He sighed he wasn't going to sleep well tonight. He did fall asleep around 1 am. He had a dream, this one was bad. He was in school and he was walking around. A guy tore his shirt and everyone saw the cuts that littered his stomach. People scoffed at him. Mr Feeny came out. "Shawn I am so disappointed in you." He said. Shawn slid down the wall of his locker. All the people walked around him.

Shawn woke up to Topanga next to him.

"Are you okay you were making strange noises and breathing funny?" She asked calmly.

"Yeah, Yeah I'm okay bad dream." He answered.

She left. He didn't sleep any more that night. He stared at Cory's ceiling deeply wanting to climb out the window. The problem was he would not survive the drop. He kicked the covers and huffed. He felt 14 years old again. No home nowhere to go. Just a fuck up on the couch of real people.

As Shawn sat there he saw cory walk to the door hit the buzzer. The Matthews clan came through the door. A sleeping Joshua in the arms of Mr Matthews. Shawn sat up and they laid the little one on the couch. Mrs Matthews handed Topanga a large bread pan. And Topanga brought two pans out of the fridge. As time passed and Joshua sat up.

"Christmas!" He yelped and ran over to the tree in his little onesie. Topanga walked back and brought out a sleepy Riley. They all opened presents Shawn sat back and watched. Riley and Topanga brought over a small package. Inside was a picture of a smiling Riley with her parents she had cake all over her face.

"It's her on her first birthday. You missed it so we thought you might like to see it." Topanga explained.

"Thanks," Shawn said.

The other half of the Matthews clan bought him a travel-sized toothbrush, shampoo, soap and toothpaste. He laughed at this, they had actually thought about him which was nice.

He left later that day. He left the smiling Matthews clan. Cory gave him a hug. Which Shawn would never admit sent electricity through him. He noticed being away from cory had actually made him want to mush his face into his more. Fuck me. Shawn thought as he made his way back to his hotel room. He took his bag now packed with travel toiletries. He pulled the picture out of the bag Cory had given him. He felt a pang of sadness run through him. He wasn't even sure how much he wanted children but he knew he wanted something like Cory and Topanga had. He imagined himself sitting with his partner looking at snow. He sighed then felt angry. He realised whenever he thought of the future if it wasn't cory it was always another guy.

"Fuck I am really gay." He leaned into the pole.

A guy behind him muttered fagot under his breath. Shawn felt really angry. The urge to lunge at the guy ran through him. But he really didn't want to arrest on a subway that is just lame. He got to the stop with all the trains. He got off and made his way to the train he needed to go to Washington DC. He got there and the first thing he did was find himself a bar and drink until he felt calm enough he wasn't going to have a panic attack. Not only was he alone, with self-inflicted scars, he was in love with his best friend, he was a gay. He thought back to that moment when he first ran away when the lady called him a gay homewrecker. Which was now true, he was gay and he wanted to fuck his married friend.

He wandered to down the streets realising he was lost. His bag hung over his shoulder he held another bag in his hand. His pants were ripped and he had a dust jacket that smelled like spilt booze. He realised he looked rather homeless, which wasn't really a bad thing just kinda funny. He waved down a taxi. The guy hung out the window he smelled then his face turned sombre.

"If you are trying to get to a homeless shelter I'll cut the rate in half."

"Um, not tonight. People pay for my hotel" He said frowning at the noticeable slur in his speech.

"Okay, stupid get in."

Shawn told him the address when they got there Shawn smiled.

"How'd you swing a place here?" The place was rather nice.

"Someone bought it for me."

"Well, I am glad someone took pity on you." The cab driver nodding his head.

Shawn got in and staggered to his hotel room. He laid there for a long time before realising he had the stuff to do. He cleaned his jacket till it no longer reeked of booze. Took to showered till he smelled better, He hadn't actually showered in four days. He laid on the rather nice bed. He dug into his bag in his bag. In it, he had his press credential and his camera. This bag was nice and had hard edges so you could actually keep things nice. In his bag, the Matthews had given in he had put his computer in there that way no one would steal it. He eyes the stuff. He still felt a little off and he was glad he could sleep. Tomorrow he had to cover an exhibit at the national history museum. This first piece was them setting everything up. Then on the new year cover the stuff once it was on display.

He walked into the bathroom feeling okay to brush his teeth. But then the urge to hurt himself became extremely strong he sighed and went to his bag and get his bag with blades he realised if he ever had to fly somewhere he would have to buy some on the other side. He sliced into in some places reopening old cuts and even cutting through some scar tissue. After a few cuts, he felt better. He walked back to the bed. He sighed he knew this was dangerous if he ever cut too deep people would find him passed out in the bathroom covered in blood. He sighed it was probably that or being found passed out covered in vomit dead from alcohol poisoning. It wasn't beautiful or tragically wonderful. It was just what a broken guy did to deal with his obsolescence in life.

The next day he bought a few drinks in the morning. He realised he probably shouldn't as he had to take photos that day. He sighed deeply he went to his room and changed shirts to a work, and put on nicer jeans. He grabbed his notepad, press badge and camera case. He threw on a winter coat and doubled up on socks in his shoes. He walked to the museum. Hoping the cold air would sober him up a bit. Got there and flashed his press badge. Shawn sighed as he took pictures of dresses hair stuff basically girl stuff. He liked some of it, specifically, the art that accompanied the strange hair fizz curler thing. He finished and walked back to his hotel room. He had managed to function properly with alcohol in him. Maybe he had been doing this long enough he was a functional alcoholic. He laughed at that he was deeply aware there was no such thing you could be good for a few days at a time but eventually, you had a bad night and you ended up sloshed looking like a homeless man. He was such a fuck up he either had to be bleeding or drunk to deal with life. He was such a mess. He got back to his hotel room. He was too tired to do anything. He slept for the whole afternoon. When he woke up. He went out to the convenience store. He bought three things of some 0 call energy drink and some water. He also bought some energy granola bar thing. He went back to his room. He ate and drank as he started to write. It was a long night because he had to have the story in two days and that only left one day for revisions. He looked out the window when suddenly. his mind kept urging him to jump out the window. To just die already. He slammed his fist on the table. He could jump that would be so easy. But he didn't want to be found like that. He didn't want to be the guy on the 5 o'clock news "Man jumps out of hotel room, Avoid blah street for blah amount of time" He sighed he knew that was probably going to be his end anyway. He also hated the idea of disappointing Feeny and Cory. They had always cared about him, he knew they would be disappointed in him. He wanted them to remember him well, of course as well as someone could like a piece of shit like him.


	3. Chapter 3

CW: Drugs, self-harm, alcohol, non-explicit sex, suicidal ideation

It was the start of summer 2008. He had started seeing a psychiatrist last January After he had spent most of that Christmas thinking of jumping out of cory's window at Christmas. Turned out the only things he had gotten out of it were anxiety and depression medication. She had prescribed it like on their second meeting. He had stopped going regularly and just goes to re-up medication. He hadn't been very honest because he wasn't ready to tell people about the self-harm or alcohol abuse. He didn't want to be shoved into the loony bin, or rehab or whatever he didn't want anyone to know. He had stuck with the program for two months and then basically given up.

But that was what had him laying on his back on the floor high on a mixture of anti-anxiety, pain meds, and alcohol. He was pretty sure he could kill himself doing this. But the anti-anxiety did nothing on their proper dose. But taking a few at a time helped some mixed with alcohol at least made him feel floaty and less crushed by life. They always said don't mix psych meds and alcohol but fuck it why not?

He ran his hand over his stomach and felt the cuts running up and down the surface. He looked into the trash can which was overflowing with beer bottles. He ran his hands through his hair. He thought about something. He hadn't been having a lot of sex over the past years. Everybody seemed so distant. But he decided that he should give it a go. These were hot British guys anyway. He then realised he ought to be more awake so he waited. In a few minutes, he ran to the bathroom and vomited. This happens a lot his body didn't like being stuffed full of so much garbage.

He then passed out for a bit. He brushed his teeth and combed his hair. He put on some actual pants. He went to a bar. Shawn talked to a few people. After a while, this guy and he started talking about photography. The guy had a camera hanging around his neck. The man talked about anything as long as it wasn't serious. Then the guy whispered in his ear.

"I have a hotel room down the next street. Come with me?"

Shawn nodded and followed the man out, throwing a few bills on the bar.

They got to a hotel that was much fancier than where the magazine had put Shawn up. They went to his room. The guy placed his camera on a table, Then started undressing and poured some champagne.

"Aren't we already drunk?" Shawn asked.

"You are, I'm not." The guy finished a glass as he stripped down to his boxers.

Shawn Smiled as he pulled Shawn in and kissed him deeply. "What's your name?" Shawn asked as the guy undid Shawn's belt and pants. "I'm Peter, get your shirt off!" Shawn did as he was told. The guy paused a second looking at the white and red marks that littered Shawn's skin. He ran his hands down from the stomach to the thighs. He shook his head and started kissing Shawn all over. Shawn ran his hands through Peter's hair. Peter pulled Shawn onto the bed. The kisses were needy and fast but far from caring. Just the way Shawn had wanted.

Shawn sat laying in bed next to Peter. Peter was smoking some weed and sipping on flat champagne. Shawn breathed in the smoke. He nodded towards the joint. Peter passed him a tin with the weed and some cigarette paper.

The sat high and drunk for half an hour. Then Peter shoved Shawn onto the floor.

"Get going. Hope you get that shit figured out" Peter drawled motioning to the marks on Shawn's body. Shawn nodded got dressed and left. He made his way back to his room. He took out his laptop and started to work. His mind had ironically been cleared by the weed and sex. He was able to think things through. He wrote the first half of his article staying up all night. He then fell asleep curled on his bed and dreamt.

He and Cory were kissing in a hallway. Then his dad came up behind them and started making snide comments throughout the whole thing. Cory disappeared and his dad point to his exposed stomach.

"Why are you doing this. Your life is fine I can't believe you would do this!" Chet Guffawed.

Tears brimmed in Shawn's eyes. Come sit with me. Chet said dragging Shawn into the couch.

Shawn woke up scared. A long time ago he had told his dad he respected him, that he had raised Shawn right. Thinking back to that moment he was pissed off. Things had been going well then. Cory and Topanga still were his friends, the Matthew's were there and caring and he had Angela who he had loved despite his more recent revelation that he was very very gay. Shawn sighed he did respect and love his dad, there was just this piece of him that hated everything and was still hurting from the way his family had treated him and each other. His dad had raised him to be liked was what he had told him. But the Matthews family never called him anymore, never wrote and hadn't given him a Christmas present for like 4 years. Cory called sporadically and only tell him what was going on with Riley and some girl Riley knew named Maya. He had been so proud to be his dad's kid when he was young but at the time his self-esteem dropped and he found himself hating everyone and himself he started to be angry with his father. He was hurt and sad, his dad hadn't tried his best. He took off and left a teen Shawn alone. He had made Shawn feel lost and stupid like he didn't deserve what he had. And then there was the not listening when he tried to talk to him about how hurt he was. The feeling of hands crawling over his skin, hot breath down his neck spread through him it slowly faded.

But mostly his dad had just left him this overwhelming sense of self-loathing.

Shawn got out of bed and walked to the convenience store at two in the morning. He bought a bag of chips and a soda. Shawn realised that he either ate nothing or junk for the past year. Eating always felt like this giant ordeal and getting up to do at most times seemed like a large pile of work. Which pissed him off eating was usually easy you just bought food and ate it to what fucking stupid person was eating work. To be fair he knew it was a symptom of depression which Shawn had been told by his therapist he suffered from also of course anxiety. Shawn knew both these things were true. He was depressed and anxious all the time. No matter what was going on he was scared of something and totally utterly out of it even when he wasn't drinking and/or high.

Shawn worked his way back to his apartment and sat on the bed. He ate an entire bag of chips or "crisps" as the British said. He downed three bottles of soda. He was a certified mess, he thought this five times a day. Because throughout the day he just kept noticing how monumentally fucked in the head he was. He tried over and over again to forgive his dad, to make peace with Cory and Topanga and their perfect family but it never worked, to move on from the horror of his childhood. He thought of Angela who was the only person besides cory he had ever imagined life with. He loved Angela but he had always been more in love with cory than Angela, heck more in love with cory than Topanga was. But losing all three of them in the course of a year had really taken its toll and like set back Shawn like four years in his whole feeling like a worthy person thing.

He laid back when his dad appeared in front of him.

"You know you really ought to be more of a man. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Maybe I should have listened to you. Maybe I should have stayed. But that's not important anymore. Maybe you don't have Cory anymore but did you ever really?" Chet said.

Shawn swallowed hard. He felt pissed. Who was his dad to dismiss everything? Who was his father to tell him he had never had cory? He did. They were best friends for so many years! Fuck Shawn said angrily he hated everything.

Shawn tried to work out how to move forward. "Okay, you're a gay drunk who slices his skin when he's stressed and also abuses prescription drugs and occasionally weed." He said to himself. "Maybe we just continue on like this until we have an epiphany or die." Shawn nodded, "okay that works."


	4. Chapter 4

CW: Suicide, Hospitals, past sexual abuse, past domestic violence, mental hospitals, disordered eating

It was 2010 and Shawn was in Philadelphia. He was sitting at the opening of the trailer park he had called home. He had a bottle of pills in one hand. He looked at his body. He was thin even by his own standard. His nails were short from biting them. He wore nice pants but his shirt was old and torn. He had been sent to Philadelphia to photograph some Christmas festival. He had sent in that work the day before and asked for some leave. What they didn't know was Shawn didn't want to be a bother to his work after death. He realised he was a mega cliche to kill himself the day after Christmas but hey be a cliche he thought to himself. Shawn clutched a note in his hand he looked over it one last time.

"Tell Cory Matthews I love him I always loved him. Tell Topanga I hope she does well and her children are beautiful. Tell the other Mathews I care about them and appreciate what they did for me over the years. Tell Feeny thank you for being the best teacher a kid could have.

I'm doing this because it's a fuck up and always have always will be. The best person I ever was was Cory's friend and I'm not that anymore. I'm not a Matthews I'm a Hunter. And we don't do good for very long. So I hope you all forgive me in death. -Shawn H" He smiled and downed the pills.

Cory was sitting with his family in the old house. Josh and Mr Matthew were playing video games. Riley was 9 and laughing as she played with her new dollhouse. Morgan was flipping through her iPhone Showing Eric pictures of her new apartment and boyfriend. Mrs Matthews was cooking dinner. Topanga held Little Auggie in her arms telling stories about something that the baby couldn't understand. Cory looked around fondly this was his family. Two notable people were missing. That was Mr Feeny who of course was somewhere warm for Christmas this year. And Shawn. Cory knew he didn't check up on Shawn as much as he should, life just got away from him and Shawn was living his dream travelling the world.

Cory's cell phone rang and he pulled it out of his pocket. It was shown he was so happy. His heart quickly sank though.

"Is this Mr Cory Matthews?"

"Uh yeah, who is this?"

"This is nurse valentine at Pennsylvania hospital"

"Okay, why do you have Shawn's phone?"

"Shawn was just brought in. he overdosed and he has listed you as his emergency contact."

Cory collapsed on to the floor. The rest of the family turned to him. Cory choked back tears.

"Do you know of any next of kin?"

"Umm yes, I do." Cory gave the lady Jack's info. "Can I come see him?"

"Yes.." The nurse explained. Cory grabbed his coat and wallet and walked out the door. Leaving everyone else staring at his back. He didn't want anyone to come with him. He knew Shawn would want to see as little people as possible. Cory held back tears the whole way to the hospital. Nothing seemed right. Shawn had overdosed Cory didn't even know he was doing drugs. What would make him do something like that was it an accident or a suicide attempt?

Cory got to the hospital and asked for Shawn Hunter. He got into the room and walked to the appropriate partitioned section. He looked at the lifeless Shawn. His hair was messy it looked dry and dirty. His face had a scraggly beard. Through the gown, he could tell how incredibly thin Shawn had become. Cory sat down roughly. He looked up when Jack came bursting through with paperwork in his arms. He looked as devastated as cory felt.

Jack stood there staring at Shawn. "Did you know cory? Did you know he was suicidal?" Jack asked softly

Cory felt awful it was a suicide attempt. He heart seemed to drop to his feet and his stomach turned. "No, he Never told me."

"Me either."

"How did we miss it?" Cory asked.

"I don't know."

A few minutes later Shawn woke up. He groaned. He looked around at the two men staring at him.

"I failed," Shawn whispered.

"What do you mean?" Cory asked scooting closer to Shawn.

"I should have died." He said bitterly.

"Why? Why would you do this to us?" Jack snapped.

"Oh, what's it to you? I get maybe two calls a year? And a Christmas card? You idiot." Shawn said harshly.

Jack stalked out.

Cory turned to him. Shawn handed a piece of paper to cory and sighed.

Cory read the note.

"Shawn I love you too. You should have come to me and said it." Cory said quietly.

"Cory I'm fucked in the head. I've been drunk and high for years. ' Shawn deadpanned.

" I didn't know Shawn."

" I never told you. You had the dream man. Nice apartment beautiful wife and daughter. A wonderful son. A great job, perfect family. Why would I do anything to hurt that." Shawn said.

Cory looked at his best friend. He skin was deadly pale his eyes had no shine.

"What? You are my family you always have been you always will be." Cory said.

"I thought for a while maybe it would be good even though I had forgiven my father. But I don't know everything just got bad again." Shawn breathed not really responding to Cory's comments.

"It's okay for things to be bad. But I don't understand why you thought this was the way to go." Cory told Shawn.

"You don't understand. I know you...you don't get it." Shawn said looking immensely tired.

"Go to sleep shawnie you look like you need it," Cory said leaning back in his chair. He wasn't going to let Shawn be alone ever again. Cory fell asleep but Shawn didn't. Cory woke up when he heard Shawn babbling.

"No, I don't like that I don't. No please don't be mad." there was a pause and Shawn looked hurt. "No I know I'm sorry." Shawn fell back in his bed. " I promise it's my fault I just overreacted."

Cory looked at him. His breathing was erratic and his eyes were wide in terror. He looked at the doorway again nothing was there. Jack came in.

"Cory was Shawn talking to you?"

"No jack I think he was having a flashback."

"Really? That poor kid." Jack said. He felt confused looking at his half-dead brother. He figured Shawn's childhood had not been phenomenal, fuck it he knew Chet had been abusive. But Shawn had seen damaged but no like this. Not this bad. Not starving to death, dead-eyed, thinning hair, terrified of shadows. This was not his brother.

Shawn came out of it too see the two men staring at him Cory looked frightened and Jack looked confused.

"I just yelled at the air again didn't I?" Shawn sighed.

Cory and Jack nodded.

"Seems to happen a lot," Shawn muttered.

After a while, a nurse came in.

"Shawn we are going to move you up to the psychiatric unit. You have a mandatory 48-hour hold but after that, you can decide if you want to stay longer. okay?" She told them.

The three men nodded.

A nurse came in and told Shawn to leave his shoe strings and belt with his family. And put him in a wheelchair and lead him up to the psych floor. Jack stood there holding a belt and some shoe strings. Another nurse came through and told him.

"If you think he is going to stay longer than 48 hours. You should bring him some laceless shoes, sweatpants and t-shirts. Maybe a book? Any personal effects that couldn't be used to kill or injure oneself." the nurse said with a sicking sympathetic tone. Jack nodded.

Jack turned to cory looking dumbfounded.

"I knew this one guy in college who tried to commit suicide. He told us that the psyche ward fucked him harder than the actual depression." Jack said.

"I've had a few students try to commit suicide. It always seemed so distant, sad but distant. Now it's like I've just been cold-cocked." Cory replied.

Shawn had been in the psych ward for a week and a half. He had talked about the drugs, the booze, the cutting. He had talked about feeling left behind. He talked about being in love with his best friend switching around Cory and Topanga's name. He didn't want to be stuck in the same space with a crazy (literally) homophobe. He had talked about being abandoned. But he had never talked about his father much yet. No one would care anyway. He acted like he was fine. Told them he felt safe, told them he wouldn't try again. The only good part had been talking to people in his same situation. The worst part had been the withdrawal. His body felt like it was on fire and he was nauseous. Not being able to cut also hurt, ironic that he felt in pain when he wasn't inflicting pain.

The next day he was discharged, he wasn't going to stay any longer even if that was recommended by the therapist. He has given a new prescription a mood stabilizer and a new anti-anxiety. They worked differently so the receptors he had worn out weren't processing the med or some jargon. Shawn stalked out with Jack following behind him. They got into Jacks car.

"You can stay with me if you like?." Jack said.

"Why?" Shawn said staring out the window. The sound of pity in his brother's voice felt like a dagger in his heart.

"Because you scared us and I don't ever want to see you half dead in a hospital bed again until we're old and grey and have ten grandkids," Jack answered.

"Okay," Shawn said.

"Really? That easy?"

"I don't want to hurt you or Cory again," Shawn replied.

Jack started driving Shawn looked at his feet. About an hour later jack spoke.

"But just to warn you. I have a girlfriend who's living with me. But we have a spare bedroom."Jack explained.

Shawn nodded staring out the window.

"Do you have stuff that needs to be picked up?" Jack asked.

"Yeah my like five cases of beer." Shawn spat.

Jack shook his head.

Shawn rolled his eyes." I have some clothes, a few pictures, my camera and a laptop." Shawn sighed.

"When we get to my house you can give me your key and I can ask Melanie, That's my girlfriend. To go pick it up."

"She's gonna go to Boston?"

"Yes, she knows how much I love you," Jack said uncomfortably.

Shawn loved his brother too. But they had only really been closed for a short time. He starred out the window the whole way to Jack's house.

Shawn had been living at Jack's house for four months. He had gotten a job as a photographer for a local newspaper. But as this was a sporadic job at best he was also a waiter. Melanie was always good to him. She made sure the house had no alcohol and kept the med cabinets locked. When Shawn needed to shave Jack would watch him and then lock up the razors. This bugged Shawn a bit but he knew it was being nice so he sucked it up. Shawn spent most of his time in his room. He had been pushing things down for so long he had been running. And now he couldn't because if he took off he knew he would never come back. And part of him knew doing this was the best way to see Cory again. And he wanted to see his best friend more than anything.

Shawn's wish was granted when Cory walked into the room. Shaw jumped up. He walked forward and pushed Cory. He smiled

"You aren't a hallucination!" Shawn said.

"Yes?" Cory said sceptically.

"I missed you."

" I have a question, Shawn. When you were in the hospital you were yelling at a man to stop. Who was it?" Cory asked sitting on the bed.

"I can't tell you that," Shawn said turning around.

"If it hurts the way it seems like it does. I want to know."

Shawn sighed. Cory was the person he loved more than anything in the world. It was time to tell someone. Talking about things was what his therapist was always trying to get him to do.

"It wasn't just running away they would yell and insult each other. I always felt crazy and stupid around them. They would be so passive aggressive or sometimes outright aggressive. I would be fine for a while I would think things were okay then everything would fall apart they invalidated everything I felt so eventually I stopped telling them. And" Shawn sucked in air. "My dad when he got really drunk would kinda feel me up," Shawn said he then burst into tears.

"Shawnie. Your father" Cory breathed. He honestly couldn't imagine having parents who made him feel like that. And worse he couldn't imagine having a father who would touch him like that. "Am I the first person you told about the stuff with your dad?"

Shawn nodded. He sat up running his hand through his hair.

"Why did you never tell me?"

"Honestly I didn't really realize how wrong everything was until like late in high school. They were gone anyway so I just I don't know" Shawn tried to explain.

"I am so sorry," Cory said. shawn looked at cory's face he seemed heartbroken.

"You probably want to leave now," Shawn said gesturing towards the door.

"Why would I leave."

"Because I'm like the king of fucked in the head. I was abandoned like five times, I drink, I cut, I do drugs, my dad touched me like that and I'm currently crashing at my brother's place because he's scared I'm gonna try to off myself again." Shawn said.

"I'm not going to leave you, Shawn. I'm going to visit you all the time. And we can talk about anything." Cory reassured Shawn. They both flopped backwards half on half off the bed. But neither cared how comfortable they were as long as they were together.

About a year later Shawn had told Cory all the things he didn't know or didn't know all of it. Shawn explained how his father used to yell and undermine and manipulate he. He explained how lost he had felt his whole life. He told him about the self-harm had done at various times in his life. That one hit Cory hard because he felt like he should have seen it considered they had lived together.

Two days later Mr Turner showed up at Shawn workplace at closing hours. Shawn stopped dead in his tracks he hadn't seen this guy in over a decade. The man had been in a coma for like three years and then taken off to live somewhere warm to recover. Then he had dropped off the face of the earth.

"Hi, Shawn." He said softly

"Hi, John," Shawn said weekly

"It's like seeing a ghost," John said.

Shawn nodded.

"A few years ago I got a job as superintendent of schools in new york. I've been seeing the Matthews recently. Cory told me what happened to you when he started crying randomly at the dinner table."

"How much did he tell you? Who was at dinner?"

"It was just Cory me and Topanga. He told me you had tried to commit suicide. And That you had been hurting yourself since high school." John explained.

"Oh," Shawn said feeling very small.

"I'm so sorry we lost touch. I should have taken better care of you."

"Your right you should have." Shawn snapped.

They stood there staring at each other when tears fell down Johns' face. Shawn ran his hand through his hair. his face scrunched.

"We messed up," John said

"We did."

Shawn Looked at John. He looked good, his hair was short he was dressed in a semi-nice looking suit. He looked healthy even if he was older.

John looked at Shawn. He was thin even for him, which was sad considering how long he had been living with his brother. His hair was short but long enough it could flop, but not in that awful 90's look, he had sported as a teen. He was wearing the uniform shirt of his job and khakis. Honestly, John found it a little funny Shawn wearing a corporatist uniform.

They left after Shawn's shift. They walked to a restaurant and sat there staring at each other over their waters. They ordered pizza and ate mostly in silence.

"John. Did I mean anything to you?" Shawn asked.

"What of course you did!" John said sounding shocked.

"You didn't want me! and you left me with my father."

"Shawn I didn't know how bad everything was. And I assumed you wanted to be with your father. and when I woke up, I needed to get healthy again."

"You could have seen me again. You could have done something."

"I could have. but I wanted you as a son. I wanted to care about you. Things just never worked out."

"Things do that."

A month later Shawn was cleared by Jack to live on his own. Shawn got a new job at a new at another travel magazine based in upstate new york. He and Cory saw each other more than. Shawn did a lot better, but he still felt miserable most of the time. His father seemed to jump into his mind at various times making Shawn feel lost all over again. He still had flashbacks to the abuse. Shawn stayed in this job for 4 and a half years. With the money he had saved over the past 13 years he had been able to live in a nice cabin in the middle of nowhere he could avoid all human contact when his brain seemed to shut down and hate everything. Life was okay. But he was still so alone that it burned.


	5. Chapter 5

CW: referenced self-harm, internalized homophobia, implied child abuse, past alcohol abuse

Shaw was invited to Christmas at Cory 's house for Christmas 2014. He was nervous in his car driving up there. His heart pounded in his chest. He felt this way whenever he had to see more people than just Cory. Seeing Topanga and the kids just reminded him of everything he didn't have. It had been a long since his last relapse so he didn't look half dead, his breath was clean and he had no red scabbed gashes in his skin. He parked his car in a garage. And walked to the Matthews apartment. He was buzzed in. He got there and Cory gave him a hug. This always sent electricity through his body. Everyone said hi. Topanga called him Mr Cory like she always did, the others were kind to him. Mrs Matthews still always looked at him like he was about to break. Josh did too, Josh didn't understand everything but he was old enough to remember when Cory had sat doing nothing for a week waiting for news of Shawn. Shawn had no relationship with Riley which always made him sad. But he couldn't look at her, she seemed like the nail in the coffin of 'Cory and Shawn". The blonde girl sitting with Riley must be Maya.

Shawn talked with the Matthews for a few hours. Then Maya confronted him sitting in the bay window.

"Why are you so mean to Riley?" She said hands on her hips.

"I'm not mean." Shawn defended.

"You make her feel bad," Maya said fiercely. She sat down and stared at Shawn's face Riley next to her.

Riley looked at him and she looked sad. "He's sad," Reilly said.

Shawn scoffed and shook his head. Maya looked at him for a while.

"You're right Reily," Maya said.

Shawn looked at the kids. These were some perceptive thirteen-year-olds. He said nothing. Anything could be used against him in the court of teenage girls.

"Why are you so sad when you see me?" Riley asked.

Shawn couldn't stop the words pouring out his mouth, "Because you remind me of losing cory." Shawn said and immediately regretted it. Maya looked at him.

"It's okay to be sad. But don't be a jerk to Riley," Maya instructed.

"Okay, I'll work on that."

They ate Christmas dinner. Shawn sat back in the bay window after dinner. Maya walked over to him.

"I get sad when I see the Matthews sometimes too. Reminds me of what I don't have." Maya said and sat down.

The two sat in silence together for a while. Just enjoying being with someone who understood.

Shawn started coming to see the Matthews more often. He talked with Maya. One day She came in looking upset.

"You should have left it alone!" Maya said sounding dead.

"But I just wanted your mom to see how good you are!" Riley pleaded.

"She never does, ever! Why should she now." Maya said flipping her hands in the air.

"Because you're her daughter," Riley said softly.

Riley looked flustered but sat on the far end of the couch.

"Stop getting your hopes up so high." Maya shrugged and sat down next to Shawn.

"My mom never came to anything I did either," Shawn said clasping his hands together.

"Always busy?" Maya asked.

"Just never there," Shawn replied.

"What about your dad?"

"At the beginning busy, or drunk. Later gone." Shawn explained.

"My dad left," Maya said. "What's with us?"

"What's with us?" Shawn echoed.

One day Shawn was sitting in Riley's bay window telling Riley and Maya about the time he blew up a mailbox. Maya thought it was the best story ever and Riley was horrified.

"What story are you telling them now?" Cory asked leaning in the door frame.

"Um, the cherry bomb in the mailbox?" Shawn said smiling.

Cory rolled his eyes.

"Why are you doing a solo story?" Cory joked.

"My stories are the best!" Shawn said laughing

Cory sighed and shook his head. And walked away.

Maya looked quizzically at Shawn's face.

"Riley, I need to talk to Shawn!" Maya said. Riley looked confused but left.

"You're in love with Cory." She said.

"I am not," Shawn answered.

"Yes, you are I can see it written all over your face," Maya said forcefully.

"What if I am?" He said looking right into her eyes.

"It's okay," Maya said quieter this time.

"If I'm in love with cory, you're definitely in love with Riley."

Maya looked hurt. Shawn suddenly felt really bad. He shouldn't have said that Maya looked away.

"What if I am." She burst into tears hugging Shawn. Shaw felt very awkward. He hadn't meant to make her cry.

She looked up at him. "Thank you for noticing. But she's in love with someone else." She said letting go of Shawn.

"No one noticed with me either," Shawn said.

"Apparently all the good ones are straight." Maya joked.

She leaned her head on Shawn's shoulder.

"When are you leaving?" Maya asked sadly

"I have a job next week," Shawn said matching her tone.

"Come to see me after that." She asked.

"Sure."

Shawn started coming between most jobs it had been a year from when they had first talked about their loves. Maya and he had gone out to have lunch. Maya's mom was sitting at the kitchen table. She looked aggravated.

"So you're the guy my little girl can't stop talking about," she said

"Yeah, and your Maya's mom," Shawn said.

"Well at least you're nice to her," she said.

"Do you have a problem with me?" Shawn asked.

"No, not really." She answered.

"I'm Shawn hunter." He stuck out his hand. He was still full of nervous energy. He had thought fast of the most polite grown-up thing he could do. Shaking hands seemed to fit that bill.

"I'm Katy Hart." She replied and shook Shawn's hand. Shawn looked at the woman, she was pretty.

He sat at the kitchen table next to Katy. He was nervous, what had Cory told her about his past? What had Maya told her? He had told Maya quite a few stories about his antics as a child what would Katy think of a delinquent being around her already troubled daughter.

Maya walked over and stared at the two.

"Come on Riley," Cory said leading him

Cory thought for a second. His scheming past rose up inside him.

"I wish Katy and Shawn would be together". Cory mused to himself

"that won't work Shawn is gay." Riley laughed.

"Shawns gay?" Cory asked.

Topanga walked out of Auggie's room a strange look on her face.

"How did you know?" Cory asked.

"I heard him and Maya talking about it." Riley smiled. "he was saying how he was in love with you!" Riley said, her face changing realizing her mistake.

"He's in love with me?" Cory asked."No. How did I miss that?" Cory's heart dropped to his feet. All these years and he hadn't even considered this.

"I did always say he loved you more than I did". Topanga sighed,"That's part of why he left I bet."

"It is," Maya said leaning against the door frame.

"He told you?" Cory said incredulously to Maya. His world was shaking.

"Maya come on we're going" Katy called Maya waved at Matthew's clan. They stepped down to see Shawn at the kitchen table.

He looked at the look on Cory's face. He felt fear run through him. Something was wrong.

"Riley told us something." Cory said then inhaling a large gasp of air

"what did she tell you." Shawn said bracing himself.

"she told me you're in love with me," Cory said softly

Shawn stood up, the urge deep inside him to bolt welled up he backed towards the door.

"Shawn hunter sit your ass down now," Topanga said. Shawn complied. Topanga always scared him in too many ways.

Topanga and Cory sat down.

"really why don't you go play with Auggie?" Topanga asked. Riley nodded and walked away.

"Shawnie why didn't you tell us your gay? I wouldn't have cared." Cory asked

"I didn't even realize till college. And then I denied it for a while longer." Shawn explained. He was fighting the urge to vomit and/or run. He sat there awkwardly trying to keep himself calm.

"Shawn. I should have realized you were in love with cory. I mean I always called you Mr cory." Topanga sighed.

"none of this matters" Shawn shouted standing up. "you love him and he loves you." a shiver ran down Shawn's spine.

His father was standing across the room shaking his head. Cory reached up and took his wrist. Shawn looked down his brain returning to the moment.

"Shawn. You're right I don't love you like that. But I do care about you. I hated seeing you so sick. I want to see you with a guy who is awesome. I want you to write dumb poetry that's happy for once. I do love you just differently" Cory explained

Shawn felt the anger drain from his body. He suddenly felt immensely tired.

"I'm going to go to my hotel room. I promise not to OD again," he said malice slipping through at the end. He managed to get to his hotel without thinking. He stayed here whenever he was here. He looked at the bar

"fuck it" Shawn muttered to himself. He ordered the first beer on the list. And sat in one of the lounge chairs. He had one too many. Then wandered up to his room. He put on the tv. He watched some dumb sitcom and silently commented on everything that would never happen. He woke up the next morning with a knock at the door. Assuming it was house cleaning he opened the door. Instead, he saw Maya and Riley.

"we have come to tell you even if you never want to see my parents again. Maya needs you so you have to come back," Riley announced.

Maya rolled her eyes her leg vibrating under betraying her nonchalant expression.

"come in," Shawn said.

He did a quick look. He was reminded that his massive hangover had been acquired in the bar, not in his room.

Maya walked up to him and sniffed.

"you've been drinking." Maya accused.

"Dad says you're not supposed to drink," Riley said worriedly.

"nope I'm not," Shawn said sitting down.

"it's not smart," Maya said

The disappointment on Maya's face killed him. Her gaze softened. Then it grew hard again and she turned to Riley.

"this is your fault. You were never supposed to hear those conversations. Whenever we talked about that shit I sent you away. Then you outed him. You are making me lose him!" Maya yelled.

"Hey Maya," Shawn said taking her waving hands in his. "she doesn't understand. It's okay. I'm not leaving you. I tried running. It doesn't work." Shawn's chest was tight. He looked in the angry lost eyes and saw himself. But there was also something fabulously Maya. She had this smile that made him melt. He wanted her to be happy, he wanted to see her grow older with the most minimal pain possible. He wanted her to be with a fabulous girl and paint everything. He just wanted good things for her.

Riley looked scared at both of them.

"Riley," Shawn said. "I'm not mad at you, or your parents. I'm just not all that okay."

Riley nodded and took Maya's hand. Maya's eyes were rimmed with red and he had a killer hangover to deal with two emotional teenagers, Riley look sad.

"okay bad greasy food anyone?" Shawn said.

The girls nodded.

Shawn's phone rang as he walked out.

"they with you?" Cory asked.

"yes."

"are you drunk?" he heard Topanga asked.

"No" Shawn replied.

"are you buying them crappy food?" Cory asked.

"maybe." he sighed.

"Hi, daddy!" Riley called.

"okay have them home today," Cory said and hung up.

The three of them did eat that crappy food. Then they had then seen a matinee of some bad rom-com which Maya had hated, Riley had loved, and Shawn loved the kid's facial expressions.

"I want more french fries!" Riley exclaimed as they walked in. Katy stood up and slapped Shawn.

"my daughter disappeared and she ends up in your hotel room!"

"mom I've disappeared before and ended up worse places," Maya said standing in between her mother and Shawn.

"Katy, she felt bad because I had a fight with the Matthews and Riley felt responsible," Shawn explained.

"you only knew I was gone because the Matthew's called you right?" Maya asked.

Her mom blushed this time.

"Maya it's not your mom's fault."

"cake!" Topanga announced.

Shawn had never heard words so wonderful. He didn't have to defend anyone.

They ate the girls complained about something to do with school. Cory made jokes. Augie talked about Eva Morgenstern. Katy and Shawn kept meeting eyes and then looking away. It was strange because there was tension but it wasn't sexual or romantic. He didn't want that, he just wanted to take care of Maya.

Katy watched Shawn while they ate the cake. Shawn's stomach stayed full of butterflies. He felt the urge to run, just like he always did when things got tough. But not when he and Maya got deep, not when she needed help not when she needed somebody to listen. Then he wanted to stay, wanted to make sure she was alright. That was a strange feeling, not wanting to run.

Maya and her mom left. Both girls looked angry.

Topanga told Riley to play with Augie. Reily protested but Topanga gave her the look and she did as she was told but with the most sass possible.

"Shawn, what's wrong?" Cory asked.

"After we talked last night I went to my hotel room and.." Shawn trailed off loathe to talk about his feelings.

"Your drank." Topanga filled in.

They looked worried.

"Yes. But I wasn't drunk when the girls got there this morning, just slightly hung over." He said staring at the floor.

"Shawn you didn't need to do that. I still love you, you're still my favourite person, you always will be." Cory said.

"You will always have a place in our life, in Riley and Auggie. And I think now Maya's." Topanga said.

"I think I should move here," Shawn said.

"That would be great shawnie!" Cory smiled.

"I can be close to you and the kids. And be there for Maya whenever she needs, not whole weeks with radio silence." Shawn explained.

"Yeah, that would be good," Topanga said putting her hand on his arm. "We love you, Shawn. Stay here tonight, keep you safe."

Shawn was slightly angry. They were putting him on suicide watch. This had happened before when he had visited in between leaving Jack's and actually levelling off to normal. They would come when he did something stupid and cory or jack would stay with him. It was humiliating to be treated like a loser who can't take care of himself. And he honestly hadn't had any issues before last night for almost two years, since that Christmas when he met Maya, and really got to know Riley. They had filled something within him that had been empty. He knew then he needed to stay close to them, to cory, to a home.

Shawn was set up in his apartment. He had a two bedroom apartment. A small kitchen that actually had everything a person would need to cook actual food. The kitchen opens onto a living room with one long couch and a TV and desk pushed up against a back wall. The back wall was covered in pictures, some of his favourite places he travelled. But his favourites were pictures he had taken with the Matthews and Maya. They were full of smiles. A picture from Maya's birthday was his favourite the lighting of the candles lit up her smile. Another good one was one Topanga took of cory and him midway through their handshake showing the girls.

His bedroom had a bed and a dresser. A picture of him jack and Chet were on the dresser. A picture from college with him, cory and Topanga was on his bedside table.

Having pictures in his place was wonderful. It felt like he was worth something because he had a life, a real life with people and memories. The guest bedroom just had a bed and a bedside table with a lamp. The bedside table was the matching one to the one in his bedroom but why would he need two he hadn't dated in years.

After he had done his final check he heard a knock at the door. Cory probably had some cheesy gift for him to hang somewhere. But when he opened the door he saw Katy standing there.

"Yes?"

"I am mad at you. But I am also really thankful." She said putting her hands on her hips.

"Okay, let's start with mad."

"Well I think Maya likes you better than she likes me You've started going to all her little school things And you hang out with her And I don't do that," Katy said in one long sentence.

"She asked me too. She wants me there." Shawn said.

"Well, why does she like you more?" Katy demanded.

"I don't think she does. Just your always gone, so she's frustrated with you. When she gets angry with you I do tell her you're trying. I don't throw you under the bus." Shawn said defensively.

"Okay."

"Why are you thankful?" Shawn asked.

"The same reasons," Katy said hotly.

"Wha?" Shawn said confused.

"You being there for Maya, it is good," Katy said awkwardly.

Shawn nodded.

"I have to go out of town. My mother needs something. We haven't talked in like three years but she is dying so I have to go see her." Katy said. "Maya wants to stay with you."

"She can if she wants to. I have an extra bedroom." Shawn answered. He then stopped looking stunned.

" You just scared yourself didn't you?" Katy asked.

"Yeah," Shawn replied.

"That actually makes me trust you more." Katy laughed. "Topanga will come check on you every night, make sure Maya is safe."

"Okay sure," Shawn said.


	6. Chapter 6

_CW: Implied child abuse, ableism,_

The next afternoon. Maya showed up with a suitcase. She looked nervous.

"Hi," Maya said.

"Hi," Shawn replied.

Topanga came in and searched the cabinets and bedroom.

"Okay, Hunter she's all yours. Take care of her!" She said pointing at him with her finger.

"Why did she do that?" Maya asked once the door was shut.

"She's worried about me doing the dumb things I used to do," Shawn explained.

"What dumb things did you use to do?"

"Self-destruct," Shawn said vaguely.

Maya nodded her head.

"Let's get your setup!" Shawn said.

They walked to the guest bedroom. Maya nodded. Maya looked unimpressed.

"We could go get something to put in here. So it can be your room whenever you need it." Shawn said feeling very distressed.

"Do you have any more of those pictures of us in the living room?" Maya asked.

"Definitely," Shawn said. He walked out. He pulled up a file that was titled old Matthews and Maya.

"Why old Matthews?"

"I have a few pictures of me and cory from when we were kids. I scanned everything I had from that time."

Maya nodded

"Pick anyone you like," Shawn told her.

There were pictures of her and Reily laughing. All the Matthews clan at Christmas. Maya, Riley and Shawn were laughing in lots of photos. A selfie took with Shawn was one of her favourites. Auggie dancing. Photos of Maya with her art.

"I like the one that's just you and me," Maya said.

"Then I'll print that." A picture on a photo paper spat out from the printer.

They thumbtacked it to the wall above her dresser.

"What's for dinner?" Maya asked.

"Umm, damn," Shawn said.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm not sure I really have dinner food."

"What's diner food?"

"Something besides sandwiches and cereal?" Shawn said awkwardly.

"Well, cereal for dinner is great. We'll go shopping tomorrow." Maya laughed.

The next day Maya walked out into the living room. It was Sunday so she didn't have school. Shawn was sitting cross-legged writing on the couch. Ignoring the perfectly good desk he had. He had a pencil in his mouth and one of his earbuds had fallen out of his ear.

"Hello," Maya said coming up behind him

He jumped, looking back he saw Maya's half asleep face, "Hey Maya.

"Not used to other people." Maya joked nervously.

"yeah. So breakfast?"

"Sure."

He made toaster waffles a personal favourite of both of them.

"You know its pretty exciting these are actual Eggos, brand name and everything." Shawn joked,

"it is pretty great." Maya smiled.

"Why did you want to stay with me and not the Matthews?" Shawn asked.

"I...I...Wanted to see what it would be like. To have you to myself, like a father..." Maya said eyes flitting between Shawn and her plate.

"oh."

Maya nodded.

"I get it, Maya. And I want to be here for you as much as you need." Shawn said placing his hand on her shoulder and smiling softly.

She smiled back.

They went to the grocery store as Shawn grabbed a basket Maya stopped and turned to him.

"Can you cook anything?" She said, "Becuase my mom burns pasta."

"I can cook pasta, meat sauce and everything. I can also make any soup or veggie that comes from a can or freezer package. Once I successfully made muffins."

"Then why don't you have any of that at your place?"

"I just don't do it?" Shawn said quizzically

Maya rolled her eyes at him, "Lazy!" She declared and walked to the pasta aisle.

It was partial laziness, but he had also learned to cook as an anti dissociation tool which made the whole thing feel like his recovery days versus just eating food. But he thought if he associated it with Maya it might feel different.

Maya convinced him to get ice cream and popcorn so they could watch a movie when they got back.

They watched Guardians of the Galaxy, and Maya decided that Shawn would make a very good guardian but an awful avenger which Shawn liked as he much prefered the Guardians "fuck it" philosophy.

Wednesday Maya came through the door after school calling "I'm home and tossed her book bag on the ground. She didn't hear Shawn she felt nervous but then she got a text,

"Stuck at work, but I figured you would be fine for an hour by yourself. Please don't eat all the ice cream."

Maya texted him she would be fine. She looked around for a while, but she couldn't resist being nosy and walked into Shawn room

The room was pretty basic and impersonal except the photos. She knew one was of younger versions of him, Topanga and Cory. But the other had two people she didn't know. She figured they must be his father and brother. She then saw a notebook hanging out of the pillow. She knew she really shouldn't read a book that was so clearly not meant to be read, but she was s rule breaker at heart.

Maya opened the book to the earmarked page.

It was an entry from the day she had come.

 _"It crazy that Maya is actually going to stay with me. I never thought I would get the chance to be like a father to anyone. I spent most of my life believing_ i _was going to die young. The fear of being Chet or even Mr Turner is terrifying, I just don't want to ever let her down._

 _But there is also the problem of I'm not father material. The amount of meds to keep me from falling apart or being hunted by flashbacks and hallucinations. How is that good for Maya to be around?_

 _I hope wanting and trying to be good to her will be enough, I hope I can be enough."_

Maya let out a shuddered breath. And sat on the bed. That was a depressing as read.

"Fuck" she muttered under her breath. She closed the book and slid it back under the pillow. Maybe she really shouldn't be that nosy. She guessed she had suspected something like that, Shawn was clearly an emotional fucked up person but it was just hard reading something like that. Hallucinations? Flashbacks? She associated those things with crazy people and war veterans not a photographer in an apartment in new york.

She let out a breath and flopped on the couch. She flipped her phone over in her hand, she could, of course, call Topanga to ask her to pick her up. But she didn't really want to, she loved Shawn, he was the closest thing she had ever had to a dad, and she didn't want to lose him.

She turned on the tv and put a comedy special on. What could have been a fucking year passed and she jumped at the sound of the door opening.

"You locked the door. I must say im impressed."

"People would steal your stuff in my neighbourhood," Maya said, forcing a smile on her face.

"Maya whats wrong?" Shawn asked.

"Nothing," Maya said.

"I don't know if that usually works, but I know better." Shawn sat next to her kicking his shoes off.

"I read your journal," Maya said quietly.

Shawn sighed," Why would you do that?"

"I was nosy." She said.

"I'm sorry," Shawn said, unsure what else he could say.

"Don't be sorry," Maya said

"Do you want to leave?"

"I thought about it...but no. I love you even if you're crazy." Maya said and laid her head on his shoulder.

"Okay."

"Just warn me if you're going to like freak out kay?"

"Sure."

Maya spent Thursday afternoon with Riley and came into the apartment in a huff.

"Whats wrong?" Shawn asked.

"I am going to just I don't know blow something up!" Maya declared.

"Why are we blowing things up?"

"Becuase people aren't allowed to treat Riley like that." Maya snapped.

"what happened."

"Some asshole is bullying her," Maya said.

"Stop pacing and sit down. You're making me dizzy."

Maya flopped on the couch.

"Start from the beginning."

"Riley's been all wired in like an unriley way."

"okay,"

"we fought, which we do not do often. but eventually, I got her to tell me what was wrong. and some girl is picking on her. People aren't allowed to be mean to Riley."

"I agree. What are you going to do about it? and it can't include a felony."

Maya rolled her eyes and let out a breath through her nose.

"Okay. I know." She got up and went to her room.

Shawn went to her room a little while later to ask her if she had eaten at the Matthews, he assumed she had but he ought to ask.

He knocked on the door.

"Come in!" Maya yelled.

"Me and Riley, we're going to confront her."

"I recommend not doing anything that could get you kicked out of school or arrested," Shawn said.

"I won't." Maya smiled.

Shawn smiled back.

"Did you eat?"

"yeah, the Matthews are good about food."

Shawn nodded.

"By the way, this was all very fatherly," Maya called after Shawn, who couldn't help but smile.

Sunday came way to fast. When Maya left Shawn felt devastated. He had actually tasted what having a family would feel like. And now it was gone.

Katy came back the next morning.

"Maya's dad gave up his parental rights a long time ago. And I think you should have those rights. Joint custody with me." Katy said.

"Why? Because I took care of her for a week?"

"No, you've been taking care of her for over two years," Katy responded.

"You really think I could do that?" Shawn asked.

"Yes, I think Maya should have a father. She deserves that." Katy said with finality.

"I would love that." Shawn breathed out.


	7. Epilouge

Shawn was sitting with the Matthews and Katy at Maya's and Riley's high school graduation.

They all cheered loudly for the girls. Shawn got up right after Maya Graduated. Cory got up and followed him.

Shawn was crying in the hallway.

"What's wrong Shawnie?" Cory asked.

"I'm really, really happy," Shawn said.

"That's good right?"

"It's the best thing I've ever felt, the only better days are when we met, and when I adopted Maya."

"You and Maya deserve to be happy. And I'm so glad you are." Cory said patting Shawn's shoulder.

The girls came running up to their dad's

Maya leapt forward and Shawns armed hugged her tightly. Riley spun around pulling her dad with her in the circle. Maya and Riley kissed and then threw their hats in the air as they weren't allowed during the graduation.

Shawn smiled. She was glad Maya got her Topanga, her extraordinary relationship. Katy and her boyfriend came up and embraced Maya. Topanga and Augies both hugged Riley. Some of their other friends came up and they all shirked and jumped smiling. Shawn leaned against the wall. The mood here was starkly different than what he had felt at his own graduation, and he was so unbelievably happy for that.

The Mathews family and the Hunter/Hart families got dinner out and laughed and ate. It was the family they deserved, after such a long road.


End file.
